Last night, for the second time, I had a dream that I was calling out someone’s edges. It makes no sense to me because I don’t think have ever had conversations with anyone about their edges in my life. In the dream (again) someone is at my door and she is being rude and saying a whole bunch of crazy shit but all I kept saying was “What about your edges though?” I think I said it like 5 times in row. Like anytime she tried to get a word in, I would say “but them edges…”
I think I spend too much time on Twitter.
I loved my turquoise sandals. I mean LOVED. I wore them all the time. Even when it was cold out. Until last week. I parked in an underground parking structure on Hollywood Boulevard while on my way to do some much needed retail therapy. I stepped out of my car and BOOM. I stepped into a soft mound of….. FUCKING HUMAN FECES. I looked down and I saw it as well as some tissue I presume was used to clean someone’s hind-parts. My heart raced out of my chest and I wanted to scream so loud but I stood there and hyperventilated for at least one minute standing super-still hoping I had just imagined it. How the fuck could this happen? This can’t be real. Human feces? My favorite fucking sandals, RUINED. I tried to scrape it off on the concrete but they were so far gone. It then came down to decision time, what the fuck was I going to do… So…
I walked to the other side of my car, took the sandals off and got into my car barefoot. I abandoned my babies. I wanted to kill someone but I got it together. Drove to the other side of the garage. Put on shoes I had in the backseat, went shopping and kept it moving. I will tell you this though: If I EVER, EVER go to Hollywood & Western and see someone walking around in my sandals, someone is getting BOXED!
I worked at a video store while in college. I have so many stories about it I think may make a series of posts too but here is my favorite:
There was a super-busy night at the store and people were all over the floor checking out the movies. I was behind the counter waiting for someone to check-out. I see a man with crazy in his eyes walking towards the counter with two stacks of vhs tapes. There must have been twenty. He looked like he hadn’t washed his clothes in days and was angry. As I waited for him to come to the counter I notice him veer towards the exit.
Me: Excuse me sir?!
Him: Shut the fuck up bitch!
Me: Ok. ( I said that in my head but I just turned back to the register and acted cool as a cucumber.)
My assistant manager walked up to the counter right after he left.
Me: A man just walked out with about 20 tapes. He seemed to be on drugs and out of it.
Assistant Manager: Why didn’t you run after him?
Me: Crackheads have superhuman strength! No and thank you. He just left and is still probably in the parking lot.
Just as quickly as she ran out to catch him she came back in bawling her eyes out. She caught up to the dude and he bopped her on the head.
Me: I told you. (I am sure I giggled and rolled my eyes too.)
The lesson here is: desperate people do desperate things: (1) This guy was desperate enough to walk into a packed video store and walk out with 20 tapes. (2) My assistant manager was so desperate to keep her job she stepped to a crackhead… and lost. Don’t let this be you!
My property manager visited my place to do their annual smoke alarm inspection. Every time she has entered my apartment she always tells me how nice it is. I am starting to think that every other person’s place must look like shit because my place is super plain.
She walked into the dining area and I wanted to laugh because she looked at the rooster, candle burning and dried flowers and said, “wow this is nice.” I can tell she was a little freaked out about it and as a fellow Latina, I am sure, she thought it was an altar of some sort. The funny thing is, I always light candles and I had just dried some roses and didn’t know where to put them so I just put it with the rooster.
Dear St. Rooster,
Will you help me with my troubles?
Filed under Me Me Me, People
When I was a kid, my parents had a pig’s head in the freezer for a day. I am not sure the details or why it was there but it was there. What I do remember is:
We lived in a small apartment and I was running around the place with my cousin Jess. I must have been around 6 or 7. I am not even sure why I opened the freezer but there it was staring back at us. We both screamed as if we were being murdered. My mom and dad ran into the kitchen to see what the commotion was and they both started laughing hysterically…. I remember my dad shutting the freezer then opening it up again and laughing.
WHAT in the entire fuck? Being that we are Caribbean, I am sure that bad boy was sliced and diced and I ate it without knowing what it was but how in the hell do you quietly carry a big ass pig’s head up a three story walk-up in Rhode Island? My father was Dominican, straight off the boat and still kept many of his country’s ways while living in the states. This was evidenced by him thinking that dress shoes went with every outfit o_O. Yes he was THAT guy. I don’t think he ever wore a pair of sneakers. Okay, my dad’s fashion sense is a whole ‘notha post but yeah, what the hell were they thinking? lol
“Messing me up my whole head. Teasing me just like Tisha did Martin.”
That line has always stung for me. Tribe’s “Find a Way” came on the radio while I was driving yesterday and I was pumped. Then that part came on and I was compelled to change it… QUICKLY. Tisha Campbell filed a sexual harassment suit against Martin Lawrence alleging she was ” subjected to repeated and escalating sexual harassment, sexual battery, verbal abuse and related threats to her physical safety” by Lawrence. That doesn’t sound like teasing to me.
Okay, carry on!
I wanted to teach you a handy comeback that is usually used in the Caribbean Latino community, from my experience. Anytime someone says something fucked up to you, you say something back and then add “¿en qué quedamos?” Here is an example:
Her: Tu eres una fucking bitch!
You: …and you are a puta so ¿en qué quedamos?
¿en qué quedamos? means “where does that leave us.” Think of it as the American, “and what?”
That’s all, carry on.